In the Middle of the Mess
I haven’t written for 2.5 months. 3 months ago I was living my best life- volunteering within 3 organisations that I absolutely love, my University degree and trying to find a Tafe placement. I was seeing family every day and having regular coffee dates with friends.
i thought that I had ‘made it’ with recovery and that all of my former issues had been put to rest and were never to be seen again.
That changed. I found myself in the hospital battling my demons all over again. There is a fierce battle that happens each day between waking up and going to sleep- the battle for my life.
You see in other areas of my life my brain is excellent. I’ve achieved many courses and assessments with Distinctions and High Distinctions, I have played music all across Europe and at one of the biggest jazz festivals in the world in Switzerland. I have received honours for my 8th AMEB Trumpet exam. I have worked full time, I have studied full time and the list goes on and on.
Yet there is something within that struggles to take one breath enabling me to live this life. Each day I am in the trenches of a war, and in the middle of the battlefield sign guns and machines firing my way that could so quickly bring this life to an end. But those guns and machinery have the power to end life or severely injure take up occupancy in my brain almost every day.
From the time I was 15 the darkness has been over
whelming and so heavy. It also is accompanied by shame and anger and grief that I live the life I do.
One day I want to speak and write about things I will have learned in the midst of this war. Does it get easier? I don’t know. Does it get better? I pray that it will.
Existing and fighting your own individuals battles and demons is the most difficult thing that I have yet found to do.
If you’re currently fighting through your darkness or struggling to take the next breathe, please know that you’re not alone and I am here to support you.
Together we will be okay xo